i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
