chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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