The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sober January is a disaster.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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