there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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