I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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