I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
