I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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