Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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