can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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