It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
