Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
