Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
