There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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