you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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