hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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