No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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