just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
