You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
