he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
