I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
