i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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