my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
