College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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