You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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