I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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