We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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