I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
