my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
