I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
