The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
