i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
