when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
