Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
