she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
