The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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