FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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