the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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