No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
