You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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