it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
