I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
