the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
