RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
