She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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