Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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