id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
