how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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