No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
