I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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