i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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